Writing… It’s not something that comes easy to me. Even as I sit here writing something that should be easier because it’s about myself I have to think hard and long about what I want to say before I can even write down a sentence. The sentence before this I retyped about 5 times because it didn’t feel quite right to me. I’m a perfectionist and I don’t feel like I’m perfect when I write.
Most likely it’s due to the lack of experience and confidence with writing. I spent my kindergarten through 8th grade years at a Montessori school that was amazing with academics but never really got into aspects of learning how to write academically. We learned how to structure sentences and would do some creative writing type stuff such as writing poems but that’s about it. Then for high school I did this different home schooling program where I would teach myself off of learning packets that were provided. I graduated high school when I was 16 and all the work I did I never once had to provide an essay for school. Not writing in high school never seemed like a big issue to me. I was 16 so all I cared about was hurrying up and getting out of school. It never occurred to me at that age that I would need to write for college.
Fast forward to 7 years later and I’m thinking I want to finally go to college and have to take the ACCUPLACER test and write an essay for it. When I go to take it I sit there in front of the screen for what felt like forever just trying to form some sort of start to the essay. Luckily the topic was “Is happiness a choice?” so I had some opinion on the topic but even then I had to B.S. my way through most of the essay. I’m extremely hard on myself so I just kept saying this thing sucks but whatever I don’t know what else to do. In retrospect it probably wasn’t as bad as I thought.
Because of this inexperience sitting down to write especially if it’s an assignment creates a lot of stress and anxiety for me. Judging is the nature of our society but I don’t like the thought that someone is going to read my writing and judge me because I didn’t structure a sentence or place a comma right (or at all).
Something that has recently given me a hint of confidence is a poem I wrote when I was 10 or 11 for my mom as a mothers day present. It also has a sunflower I painted for her next to it. The poem is titled My Mother and reads:
My mother smells like, Hair spray freshly sprayed Beautiful perfume sprayed on her skin Freshly applied makeup The strong scent of fruity lotion
My Mother sounds like, Laughing when we play together, Snoring when she is asleep, A sigh when I massage her, A click when she bites her nails A scream when I startle her
My mother feels like, Slippery oil on her skin, Fake nails scratching my back, Smooth skin as she leans against me, Warmth as she hugs me
This poem is extra special to me because she passed away this last August suddenly. As I was sorting through her stuff I found this poem that I had written for her for 13 years ago. She moved a ton and lost almost everything she had but knowing she carried this with her all those years gives me more confidence in my writing abilities.
Writing is not something that I always enjoy. I’d way rather sit down and have a conversation with someone to convey my thoughts and ideas to them instead of writing it in a paper. But I know it’s necessary for so many different things in life so I’m hoping to get more comfortable with it over time. Each assignment I do I find myself easing up and relaxing a bit more.
Bri's English Blog 